On Love
Reaching my early 20s with zero experience in romantic relationships makes me question, “Have I ever been in love?”, “ Has love ever come to me in the form of a man who resembles my favorite fictional character?” “Is that indescribable yearning that resurfaces periodically is a sign that I long for love?”
What
Actually
Love
Is?
Come to think of it, I think I’ve learned about love from my friendships with women.
Love could be as warm as a freshly baked cookie
I’ve learned that love should be easy from Nana. She took me home by bike back when we were 5 grades, that’s how we unfathomably being close until now. As the first timer got our menstrual period, we often checked each other’s skirts to make sure there wasn’t a period stain. How clumsy but hey at that time, our Islamic school brought us to embarrassment every time we had to talk about a girl’s biological cycle.
As we grew into 17-year-old girls, she came and brought me her freshly baked cookie right after she heard that I had been rejected from my dream major and university. How love could be so warm and calm even though my head was like a noisy thunderstorm? She also accompanied me during my mom’s funeral until endless tahlilan. Until now, on my three-year annual trips, she was also there. She has been truly a constant entity throughout my journey as a person.
Love could be a daily rant and sending memes
I’ve learned that love should be a warm hug after an exhausting day from Sarah. We always ask each other what food we ate and what we did that day. From that question will lead to telling each others’ story and daily rant. Remember that I ever wrote about Kopi Saku? What I love about her is she remembers the small details of me. Lucu sekali.
Then I learned that love should be sharing reciprocated excitements and speaking in the same “language” from Millata. We were classmates and now we are trapped in a biweekly existential crisis. Our chatrooms were filled with a daily rant about how broken our system and education, our fears, our despairs, our inside jokes jam 9 malam aku pulang, our istilah-istilah nyeleneh swasembaddie durable di belantara lepas, our adorations to that particular persons, jamur dan kura-kura, our hopelessness on love, our hopeful views on love and resistance. We’d love to share memes from Twitter or throw the darkest jokes about ourselves, we often mind-synchronize by sending the exact same message at the exact same time (HAHAHA).
I’m so grateful that I had them in my teenage years and now our frontal lobe is currently developing.
Love could be as risky as bayangkan jika kita tidak menyerah
I’ve learned that love was filled with mutual understanding and tolerance from Lathifa. We’ve learned to be honest about what makes us uncomfortable towards each other, about things that are hard to say, and about 180° different views on life and how we approach life so we could learn from each other. We did it on our annual birthday mail. I’ve learned that love also needs a sacrifice from her. During our Jogja trip, she gave me a ride straight from Jogja to Punthuk Setumbu and Gereja Ayam on a misty morning, she spent her vacation with me before she came back to Bali.
I also got to learn about this form of love by observing my friend’s relationship with their significant others. How I learned from Nana and her interfaith relationship embodies the “Bayangkan Jika Kita Tidak Menyerah”, they’ve tried so hard to be together but in the end, there was inevitable separation. As cliche as it sounds, there’s always something we can excerpt from every encounter. But not to romanticize intolerable mistakes, I learned that moving on is a non-linear journey, indeed. On a random afternoon, you could miss your ex so badly and the memories resurface.
That scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower lingers in my mind for a long time. Do we accept the love we think we deserve? Is this rooted in how we view ourselves? That must be a lot of considerations since we are entangled with NEARLY EVERYTHING that builds our view of ourselves. I’m so grateful for my dynamic relationship with my friends since they helped me to know myself deeper. They are my constant reminder that I deserve this kind of love and make me believe in love and care as a form of resistance in this chronic capitalist world.
23/11/2024
10.08 am
sincerely, F.
